an un-“enjoy life” riff

I know it’s Friday but no “secret” today. Just a riff on something that’s been irking me lately.

 enjoy life…

 

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me well that I try to do everything as close to perfect as I possibly can. I am a planner by nature; I take pride in my ability to think through scenarios, to anticipate problems before they happen and stop them from happening. This is what I do!!! My sense of value comes from being reliable and dependable. My basic fear is not being supported, valued, loved, appreciated by others (Enneagram type six, anyone?), ergo, I try to do EVERYTHING that I can do without fault so that others will like me, love me, value me, appreciate me. I don’t want to be a disappointment!

For that reason, I have lived a large part of my life in fear; fear that will I not measure up and then no one will support me. I haven’t done things in life because I feared I wouldn’t be able to do them well. I have played it safe. A lot.

Well, my world was turned upside down. I had a baby, something I knew I would struggle to do well-aka my biggest fear. And even though I knew this before Buddy Man arrived, it has been made plain to me since his arrival. I have absolutely positively zero control anymore; my planning nature doesn’t serve me as well as it use to because all of my plans can go out the window in a matter of minutes. While this may have always been the case, it’s really becoming a thing and has been very discouraging and very sad for me. I am not meeting the expectations that I have always held for myself. I now have to cancel the appointment, to not be able to meet an obligation because my child is sick, I’m so sorry. And “Mommy brain” is REAL! I forget things I use to not forget – to send the thank-you cards, to call or text back, to remember the birthdays, Where is my phone?

I am not this person!

Or am I? Now? Is this the new me? Is this how it’s going to be?

More importantly, will people still approve of me?

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11 thoughts on “an un-“enjoy life” riff

  1. While I can’t relate to the having children, I can relate to always wanting to do things perfectly and worrying I’ll disappoint people when I don’t. But I’ve learned that I’m much harder on myself than others ever could be. Those that love me, love me at my best and worst. No matter what. And I know it’s the same for you! 🙂 So be kind to yourself!

  2. Just think……one day, any and everything we do will be perfect! Hello heaven, I can’t wait!!!!! Until then, we take Solomons’ advice: Proverbs 16: 3,9!

  3. I second the previous comment and would like to add that this ‘you’ if indeed you’re different or not, is the most important because it’s the only one Buddy Man will know and love forever!

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