I know it’s Friday but no “secret” today. Just a riff on something that’s been irking me lately.
It’s no secret to anyone who knows me well that I try to do everything as close to perfect as I possibly can. I am a planner by nature; I take pride in my ability to think through scenarios, to anticipate problems before they happen and stop them from happening. This is what I do!!! My sense of value comes from being reliable and dependable. My basic fear is not being supported, valued, loved, appreciated by others (Enneagram type six, anyone?), ergo, I try to do EVERYTHING that I can do without fault so that others will like me, love me, value me, appreciate me. I don’t want to be a disappointment!
For that reason, I have lived a large part of my life in fear; fear that will I not measure up and then no one will support me. I haven’t done things in life because I feared I wouldn’t be able to do them well. I have played it safe. A lot.
Well, my world was turned upside down. I had a baby, something I knew I would struggle to do well-aka my biggest fear. And even though I knew this before Buddy Man arrived, it has been made plain to me since his arrival. I have absolutely positively zero control anymore; my planning nature doesn’t serve me as well as it use to because all of my plans can go out the window in a matter of minutes. While this may have always been the case, it’s really becoming a thing and has been very discouraging and very sad for me. I am not meeting the expectations that I have always held for myself. I now have to cancel the appointment, to not be able to meet an obligation because my child is sick, I’m so sorry. And “Mommy brain” is REAL! I forget things I use to not forget – to send the thank-you cards, to call or text back, to remember the birthdays, Where is my phone?
I am not this person!
Or am I? Now? Is this the new me? Is this how it’s going to be?
More importantly, will people still approve of me?